My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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