did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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