my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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