you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
