My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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