"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
