There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
