When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
