Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
