I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
