my phone needs a breathalizer
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
