I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
