Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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