Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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