Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
