Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
