I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
