So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
