My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
