I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
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Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
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I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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