I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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