I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
