She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
