he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
