:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
