I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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