I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
