It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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