Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
