she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
