Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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