I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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