i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
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Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
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If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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