So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
