on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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