3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
