Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
