I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
