My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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