i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
