Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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