Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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