I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
