Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
