he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
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I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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