I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
