So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
