This is not my ceiling
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
