I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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