fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
