Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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