I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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