wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
