the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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