dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
