The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
