she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
