you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
