I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She bit a glass in half.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
