bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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